Yay new post!
It's been an interesting week or so since I last posted, although to be honest, not much as really happened. I mean, like most of you, I'm still just hanging out in my room, still here in the same dorm.
Like most of the posts here, please check out my new video on my youtube first! It's just a little vlog I decided to film for my self care day.
So you might be wondering, self care day? Is that even necessary? Why you being so extra?
To be honest, I don't even know. But I do know that it was definitely the pick-me-up that I needed in my week.
I've seemed to pick up on a little pattern that has formed the past couple of weeks. The start of my week is full of energy and brightness, motivation and productivity. I'll probably cook something hella yummy (but I struggle portioning so it ends up being enough for the week), I'll be up-to-date with my lectures and assignments, I'll call Dilys or Justin for a workout, basically killing it at life.
And then come mid Thursday, Friday, Saturday - that totally just slips and I spend entire days in bed, not leaving my room, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook or Insta.
I'm on social media so much but it's not like I'm even interacting with people online. I lose all motivation to communicate, not responding to any messages, not willing to put in an effort with any relationships. So I can't exactly say that I'm lonely either.
It's really up to my own attitude and my own mood to invest in things that make up my life. I could go by day by day doing whatever, but without direction and without something TO DO, it just seems like fluff, like airy fairy whatever-ness.
So basically what I've decided to do, is to intentionally dedicate one day to myself where I totally treat myself. Write a to-do list. Dress myself in something other than sweats and pjs, go for a super extra makeup look, go for a walk and have quiet time at an empty park, buy myself something yummy, do a face mask and watch a movie. Sounds a bit vain, but it totally worked. The night before I was so excited for the next day.
What I found was that my day was filled with energy, joy and thankfulness. I got out of bed quicker than I ever have. Although I was pretty sad that my favourite fries places weren't open, walking through the empty streets humbled me in realising how lucky I was to be safe, to have a roof over my head and to have freedom to take walks out in the open. Sitting alone in the park, with nothing but the sounds of birds chirping and the small trickles of water filled me with thankfulness and appreciation. I was thankful for the day, unable to count the immeasurable blessings that the Lord has given me, even if that included eating cheesy jin ramen in bed.
Worship and prayer were drawn from my lips, not because I was 'forcing myself to maintain daily discipline', but because I genuinely saw and felt what I could be thankful for and I couldn't stop the worship and praise overflowing from within my soul. This was the joy and peace that I was craving. The comfort of knowing God, with such wisdom, control and a will that was so beyond me. Knowing that through it all, He has me super safe in that plan.
Admittedly, I wish everyday were like this. Days where I can feel genuinely excited to get out of bed, feel bomb and confident and to leave the house and get some fresh air and to be reflective and thankful to God for it all. But it don't be like that. I'm typing this right now at 2am after a long day of not leaving my room again, doing nothing today but take 2 naps. Not everyday I feel thankful and motivated, I complain and mope about all the time. I still crave pho. It's not always sunshine and rainbows.
On days like these, I have to remind myself of two things:
1. It's okay to not have perfect days...
2. But pick yourself up and try again.
I have to be careful with not beating myself up when I have bad days. Holding myself to a level of perfection is realistically impossible. I am inherently sinful, naturally I do not crave and seek the desires of God and I constantly fail and do what is right in the eyes of God.
But praise be to God! This is exactly why Jesus was sent, is it not? Why God himself, chose to be humbled as a man, to live an absolutely perfect life despite having to deal with worldly temptations, and to serve as our sacrifice by dying on the cross. So that through him, we can still have hope of having a relationship with our God, to be forgiven, and to be under his love and care with a hope of eternity. He came to heal the sick, not the healthy. He died for the broken, not the 'perfect'.
But if Jesus did all that for me, surely I can't just respond by sitting on my butt doing nothing all day right? I do have purpose. No matter what the situation is, I live for God. I should make the most of every opportunity that God gives me, whether within the confinements of this dorm room or back in Sydney or while I'm off exploring and travelling and doing who knows what. I know for certain that God wants me to do more than mope in my room all day. I still gotta get out of bed, be productive, live for Jesus. There is still a mission, it just looks a little different to what I thought it would be.
So I think for now I just gotta try my best. Try my best to work hard for God, because he is the reason I live and breathe, quarantine or not. Self-care days definitely help me get there and appreciate that for sure, so I'm going to make an effort to do those once a week. For sure I'm gonna stuff up, but that doesn't mean I can't get myself back to where I need to be. No matter what though, I know that my God loves me deeply and is working in me everyday.
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